Relationships Are Built
We were walking with my wife the other day. At one point, we cracked up laughing. We realized that; we know each other longer than we not…
You know, we are high school sweethearts. That makes it more than 20 years!
Wow!
We both attended art school. I was in Fine & Applied Graphics, she was in Fashion Design. At that time, it was all about chemistry. She was the unattainable hot girl. I was the awkward, heart-on-my-sleeve guy. It was all chemistry. Hot, romantic, adventurous.
But if a fortune teller would have told us, that one day we’ll end up as soul mates. She would have been subject to terrible laughter! “No way!!!” XD
Then school ended. For the next five years, we both were on different journeys. Trying out life, OR more precisely, life trying us out! One day, though…through some sort of magic, we found each other again. What was first an innocent reconnecting, quickly blossomed into a pink-hazed love. Gorgeous days!
Falling in love was easy. What wasn’t easy for me...is to get on board with commitment.
From a young age, I had a fear. that I'll turn into an overweight, middle-aged, balding guy, stuck in an unhappy relationship, being unsatisfied with life. Growing up, this is what I mostly saw around me. My parents divorced. I didn’t see people really thriving in marriage, rather letting themselves go.
It made me sad and hopeless. Somewhere deep inside, I promised that I will never chain myself. I will never turn into that person. That would be terrible. To be unhappy.
I didn’t know any better. There was no one showing me that it could be any different. And I wasn’t ready to explore it for myself. Love turned into a long-term relationship and in every relationship, the time comes when… “take it to the next level” (or not?).
For years now, I’ve been living in scarcity. I had this glooming over my head. I was really resisting commitment. There was this woman I loved, and I couldn’t put the puzzle together. Is this what life is supposed to be? Running away, in constant anxiety?
One evening, everything changed.
After a long day, we had a deep conversation with Anita. We were sitting on the bed. I remember the whole scene. The red bedsheet, the conjuring of tears and the vivid sense in the air. That night, I told her how I really feel.
*“I know...”* she said calmly
*“I knew it all along...”* she continued
*“...and would you be up for a challenge?” m*e getting wary and intrigued
*“Sure…”* - I told hesitantly, feeling the blood rushing into my face.
“I have a silver ring. How would you feel about putting it on?” – she said, then silence
*“Sigh...I’m scared...hmmm...okay, I guess."* – I’m starting to see the truth. I’ve been running away from this all of my life. It became clear; now or never!
*“Sure. Let’s do it!”* – I said. A leap of faith
Yes, I admit it. I’ve been running away. It was pretty painful because I was letting myself down. You know what you want to do and you know you’re not doing it.
I needed an invitation. She knew my language. She coached me. Clever woman!
That night I was emotionally exhausted. I slept like a baby.
The next day…it was a weird ride. I remember walking down the street, with the silver ring on my finger. It felt like everyone is watching me...*“The guy with the ring on his finger.”* The road, the trees, people walking, everything is seemed buzzing. As I’m walking, my scarcity slowly transforms. Transforms into excitement. An adventure…for something new!
I made it through the day and I didn’t die. The buzzing lasted for a week or so, slowly tapering down. I slowly got used to living in this new world and I knew I’m never gonna want to go back. It felt incredibly freeing, like dropping off a skin made of stone. I took a leap of faith and got out on the other end.
While the story usually ends at this point in the movies, this was really just the start of a new journey. A journey to building the relationship.
Before, I had a level of entitlement. Like, should be given a good relationship. I wasn't anymore. If I want to make it work, I must work for it. We both must work for it.
What did it look like? It was a lot of messing it up, again, again, and again. Then finally facing the truth, opening up, talking things through and sorting things out. This process over and over again.
You know, after all these years, I realized something. Relationships, same as human beings are always work in progress. We are always a work in progress. We never truly arrive. We stop growing when we chose fear over change. So, when we feel arrived. We should be worried.
I don’t believe Anita and I were made the perfect couple. Not to begin with anyway. But during these years we kept working through our problems.
I don’t believe either that you get the relationship you want. I believe you get the relationship you need. With a lesson. The lesson might be to get the hell out of that relationship for good...but never the less it's a lesson.
This puts relationships in a completely different light.
Before…having a good relationship is like a privilege. Like Prince Charming or Cinderella galloping into your life on a white horse.
After…having a relationship becomes an opportunity, a catalyst, a powerful container for personal growth. A series of invitations for honesty and courage.
A good indicator that we take a stance of entitlement with something is that we feel like a victim. If we want to make a change in our life, we have to take ownership. That's where it starts. That's when you start to have a choice.
It's good to be reminded that we're not entitled to anything. And as like many things in life...
RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT
---
It all starts with a deep conversation.
If you would like to have a deep conversation, this is what I do. Feel free to reach out.
From the bottom of my heart,
Viktor Sághy
