The Identity Closet
Owning who you are is a challenge. Because we all have things about ourselves we're embarrassed about. And when we feel shame about parts of ourselves, we go into the identity closet.
I’m sure you have been in the identity closet a few times in your life. I definitely was. And who knows, I may be back in the future.
While it seems like I’m writing this post for coaches, I really write this for everyone. Whether you think you’re inside or outside of the closet, continue reading because the identity closet is a universal challenge.
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For a long time, I was coaching like this poor guy in the closet. I had the door open, hoping for someone to stray in. I was kind of putting myself out there, but I was just really kidding myself.
One evening, we were walking with my wife. I told her that I would really like to do coaching full-time. Her response was simple, surprising, and blunt. She said, "I understand all of that, sweetheart. I’m just worried that this will become another one of those projects. That, you know, you will just screw around. "
Auch! The truth hurt!
It hurt because she was right. But I needed to hear that. I had a lot of shame around being a coach. And not just that. I had a lot of shame around who I was as a person. I was afraid of what others would think. What if I really put myself out there? Will they think I’m "coo-coo"? 🤪 I was afraid that if I failed, would I be able to recover from this change of identity?
But I also knew that if I wanted it all, I had to OWN IT ALL!
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The other day, I talked with a veteran coach. She came out of the "coaching closet" a long time ago. Owning her identity as a coach was not a problem for her!
But as we were having a heartfelt conversation, she shared something very gracious and vulnerable. She shared that even though she has a thriving coaching business, there are still parts of her that thirst for expression;
...like her spirituality, her masseuse skills and her crafting hobby.
She said, "I'm realising it's all ME!!!”
My niche is ME.
And when I fully own ME, my niche naturally finds me.
So she does coaching, massage, and crafting and her people love her for it!
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Like many of you, my first job wasn’t coaching.
I've been drawing since I can remember, and I’m pretty good at sculpting. I’ve worked in the video game industry since age 20 and transitioned into visual effects later in life. I can sculpt any game character or shape a perfect portrait of Jack Sparrow or Bruce Lee.
But for a long time, I felt like I was living double lives, like BATMAN🦇🦇🦇 just waaaaaay less cool! In the daytime, I was an artist; at night, I was a coach. I felt ashamed to tell people at my workplace that I’m a coach, and I felt ashamed to tell my clients that I’m an artist.
But I was wrong! I was missing the point. My anticipations weren’t true. I thought people would shame me for being two things at the same time. Now I see it was all in my head. In reality, people are very supportive if you own your identity.
I also realised that being an artist is my real competitive advantage. There is no better way to build rapport than through shared experience. I can connect with any creative person on a deep level because they know I will, "Get them!" And as an artist, it helped me to find my voice too. In posts like this, I pour my soul out, and I feel ten times lighter.
I thought I needed to be different. That being more than one thing is bad. BUT IT’S SO UNTRUE!!! NOW I SEE! The more things we are, the more we can relate to people. And the more we are the things WE ACTUALLY ARE...the more authentic we feel.
When you own every aspect of who you are, you can feel comfortable in your own skin. Maintaining a false identity is really draining. So when you don't need to do that anymore, you are lighter, funnier, and more creative.
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There are 3 ways people maintain a false identity;
1/ Living double lives Like Batman.
Being one thing during the daytime and another thing at night. And even if you manage to fool others, you won’t be able to fool yourself. You’ll always know that you're living double lives.
2/ Trying to be like someone else.
When you feel ashamed of who you are, this is one of the most logical solutions. Just yell like Tony Robins, or mellow out like some kind of enlightened guru.
3/ Trying to look perfect
This is the evergreen modern pandemic. The catch is; human beings are not perfect! And if you protect the lie, you’re not just robbing people of connection; you’re robbing people of their power.
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I don’t think hiding our identity does any service to the world. So don't do it. What people really crave is honesty. Honesty has real strength. You know it when you see it. And you’re drawn to it. All of us are. Because honesty is how we really want to feel inside.
I get it. I really do! It’s all messy, scary, wonky, imperfect, and raw.
But scary steps are only scary before you take them. Once you are on the other side, those scary steps become exciting! Don’t try to be like someone else. Because everyone else is taken. Be you, and your people will find you.
Remember that fake paintings are cheap, but the originals are priceless! BE ORIGINAL! BE YOU!
From the bottom of my heart,
Viktor Sághy
